Sunday, April 3, 2011

The News

I've thought and rethought about writing about this. As well as questioning my judgement. Right now, I think the best thing I can do for myself is talk about it.

I was pregnant with our 2nd baby. I was 5 days away from entering the 2nd trimester. We were so stinkin' excited! We got pregnant so easy this time. A miracle, right?
We lost the baby on April 1st (bad day for bad news, right?) We raced to the hospital, almost sure of what was happening. But there was that tiny voice in the back of your head that kept nudging. Maybe everything is OK? Maybe there is a medical term for what is happening and its something they can fix with medicine?
I kept thinking everyone was going to turn back around the corner and announce, "April Fools!"
But they never did. The ultrasound proved our worst nightmare. The baby was gone. Worst news a Mom and Dad can hear. I still think its surreal the whole experience. The hospital staff were amazing. But every single person who walked through that hospital room door had that same look on their faces. A look that said, "Poor thing." I don't like that look.

I always told myself while fighting so so hard to get pregnant with Carter that it would be worse to get pregnant and lose the baby then the every day fight to try to make that test strip turn positive. I'm sure it was positive thinking I forced myself to think in order to cope with the constant disappointment over those 3 years. 
Unfortunately, I can now tell you which is worse...
They both are. Equally one hurts where the other one aches

The day it happened, I was OK. Everyone kept telling me
"You need to morn the loss of this baby"
I kept looking at everyone like,
"Whaaa?" 
I woke up the next day ready to laugh or gasp at the weird dream. Then I realized it wasn't a dream but the truth. Then I spent the day angry. Angry that our excitement over baby #2 was destroyed. 
When I came home the first thing I wanted to do was hug my sweet Carter. Hug something tangible. I realize I had 6 more months before I would have been able to hold that little baby. But the option that I would have to start over, from week 1, was just too hard to take in. Thankfully I have a perfect little boy. (Not perfect acting, he's always in trouble, but perfect in concept.) And he is at the stage where he will run up and hug me. Or hold his hands in the air waiting for me to pick him up and smother him with kisses. I know we will get pregnant again and have a little baby. I know this isn't the end of the road for our little family. But for the moment, it feels shattered. I know there are people out there with worse situations. And my heart breaks for every single one of them. Gratefully, its in moments like these that I am grateful for the gospel. Grateful that my family is sealed together forever. That no one can take that away from me. 

I'm starting to feel more numb. I'm left with a bundle of hormones that are a bit wacked out and a few extra pounds I would care to drop off at the front door. These will soon be gone. Right now, the hardest thing to face right now, is the pity on peoples faces. If you see me, please don't look at me that way. I feel like its the hardest thing in the world for me to keep everything normal looking at the surface. If anything, maybe you can help distract me?

8 comments:

Leslie said...

I have lots of friends who have gone through the same thing you are now. The feelings they discuss are identical to yours. I'll pray for happier days for you and your family. What an amazing thing we have to know the truthfulness of the gospel. And to know that our Heavenly Father has a plan for us. You guys are in my thoughts and prayers.

Heather D said...

I will look at you with the amazing strength of a woman who as taken another step forward in life....whether crying or laughing...you are moving forward! Yea you & Ed! There is a plan. Be the Perfect Parents for your Perfect (yes without qualifying) Carter. THAT is the best place to start TODAY. But I am not a mother, nor have I suffered what you have. The Niece I know...takes a step at a time both laughing and crying alternately! As I am doing now for you!

Jullee and Fam said...

I'm so sorry Sedra! There are so many hopes and dreams along with a pregnancy. I'll be hoping for the very best for your family. I wish you and Ed the very best and am sorry you had to experience this sadness.

Dan and Liz said...

you KNOW we want to be a distraction to you. you just let me know when you want to play. i cannot even know what it feels like, but i can certainly try to understand and listen to you, even if you just want to cry or laugh or whatever...lets get the kiddos together, chat and eat frozen yogurt..those extra pounds? those don't matter right now, seriously. loves from all three of us :)

Emily Hatch said...

I'm thinkin' a night on the town would be a good idea! Let me know when you want to take our boys (the big ones, not our kids) out. Love you guys!

Edra Davidson said...

Thank you everyone for your wonderful comments! We are so grateful to be surrounded by such wonderful people.
And yes, we will gladly take any of these suggestions for distractions :)

Adam and Andrea Daveline said...

I love you, love you, love you!!!! You are amazing, beautiful, strong and such a wonderful mommy! I think that you should come to Florida, I will NOT have pity on my face and we will go to Disney World. That is my suggestion for a distraction.

Edra Davidson said...

Andrea - I am booking a ticket! It would be so great to see you and that sweet little (but growing up so fast) man of yours. I'll let you know when we are headed out!