Friday, September 23, 2011

Miscarriage Blues and Other Fun Subjects

Lately I haven't wanted to write. Could it be because of what I knew I wanted to say, just didn't want to say it? On some level, probably.
Ever since the miscarriage, I am asked frequently how "getting pregnant" is going. Its an interesting question. In my opinion, its a double edged sword. Its a reminder of what I failed to complete earlier this year. (Silly, I know. You can't tell someone to stop blaming themselves and it just turn off.) It takes me back to all the failed attempts since then to try to get pregnant again. How do you just turn this off? I asked Ed that. His response, "Just stop caring. But I know you, you don't do that." Thanks Ed.
So the question sits out there in a space and time that feels like forever (but I'm sure I come up with a response quicker than what it feels like.) I snap back to reality and tell the latest tale of no such luck. Or using other creative phrases, "Back to the drawing board." The silliest part about all of this: Millions of women have gone through the exact same thing as I have. Maybe not both sides of the coin like me, but none the less, others have miscarried. So why do I make it out to be the hardest thing anyone has ever done and its only happened to me? I don't know. I have no good responses to this. But I see the large group of friends of mine who are pregnant and want to jostle them a little. Remind them how lucky they are that they have gone as far as they have.

Some how this whole situation reminds me so much of that first break up you had. Promptly after the break up the first thought in your head is, "This sucks!" The next thought is, "I'm never going to find anyone who wants me!" Oh how wrong we were. But in the moment, you can't see past your nose. All you can consider is the loss that has just happened. Like you will never find love, or someone who feels as strongly for you as you for them. And then some time down the road, it happens. Its the same for babies I'm sure. I'm just at the "can't see past my nose" part.
As October approaches, I am lucky to have so many distractions for me. I refuse to let it be a mourning over what could have been. Its a celebration of Carter coming to our family. Frankly, Its going to be a great party for that little man. Its the candy industries highest profit producing time of the year. Plus, who doesn't love watching little kids dress up and arrive to your door requesting treats? I love watching their costumes. It thrills me even more that I get to take that little rascal door to door this year. He actually likes treats now. Shock and awe at that one.

So here's to Carter, here's to babies down the road (hopefully not too far), and here's to an amazing October! Cheers


Dan and Liz said...

No one could have said it better. You are amazing...but you already know that. And yes, here's to hoping there are little babies in the near future!! Oh, and October is one of my favorite month by far. Love it.

Suzzy said...

Good post.. Sending baby dust and good thoughts your way.. Let yourself "feel" whatever comes (anger, sadness,peace) you will probably have bad days and good says as the date arrives.

We always send balloons to heaven as a reminder of our little angel with messages of love. However you and your family choose to remember will be right for you.

Thanks for blogging from your heart.