Monday, September 12, 2011

The Truth About Me

A good friend of mine said to me, "Sedra, you have to let it go. Confront it, laugh at the moment, then let it go." To paraphrase. It was a good long conversation.
So this is me getting it out there. It doesn't matter if you like it, or if you even want to hear it. If you don't, then simply leave this page. Either way, it works for me. So if you're curious, keep reading.

I have lived an entire life of wanting acceptance so badly, I would do almost anything for it. When I say almost anything, believe me, I have my lines I'm not willing to cross. With this in mind, I went to great lengths to secure friendships (Ones I didn't necessarily need), relationships (everyone has a pack of exes they didn't necessarily need either), praise, admiration etc. The list can go on and on. At some point, a person needs to say, "Enough is enough!" I'm ready to take responsibility for my feelings and making sure I am watching out for myself.

Here is the truth: I'm judgmental, I often am extremely critical of myself and others. I jump to conclusions constantly, expect way more out of people then necessary, I think everyone should be able to read my mind, and I can create drama in my wake. I get upset and angry over others success and sometimes wish for them to fail. (Side note: I am working on all these things. If you are judging me by these statements and think you are perfect out there, let me enlighten you: You're not.) The truth in the matter is this: I know I have faults. In fact that is part of the problem here, I look at these things that I despise in myself and perplex the whole problem over again. Its a vicious cycle. Enough said.

On the other side of the coin, I am an extremely giving person. I will give of my time, my means, my food, my everything. Often times, people take advantage of this quality. I take note of this change in the relationship, then begin the cycle above. I become critical, jump to conclusions and eventually end back at the self hate category all over again. I can be thoughtful, and helpful, and a support to lean on. I'm creative in my own way, and dang it: I'm a great Mom! I have a big heart (despite the terrible things I said in the above paragraph) and I will support those I love. I am a hard worker, I'm orderly, I'm usually willing to give anything a try at least once. Not terrible qualities to have if you ask me.

I believe I'm finally ready to stand up for myself. Remember this post isn't about letting everyone know how I feel and if I have ever thought negatively of you. Although if you have gotten this far, don't take advantage of me or my kindness. I probably have the guts now to tell you to your face that I don't like your actions. (As in the past I was always worried about hurting your feelings. Which is sad, because in turn I was hurting myself far worse.) Its about me telling myself. I can now look back on these things and LAUGH. With zeal. With long winded breaths after each outburst. I might even wipe a tear from my eye over it. Its time for me to stop comparing myself to others. And time for me to start hiya-ing life! Not that I have been sitting in a shell this whole time. I've got an amazing family to show for the things I have done right in this world. I look forward to this new desire to clear myself. Wrap myself up in my creativity I've bottled down in the depths of me. Write out loud! And become a better version of me.

How are you going to stand up for yourself today? Eh?


Suzzy said...

Well said.. Im totally judging you right now.. :-)

Dan and Liz said...

I love this and so well said, seriously.
Of course I hope that I've never taken advantage of you or anything like that...but, I do miss our hangouts, play dates and chatting about life together.
I am more than OK with you telling me how it is, no matter what!