Monday, December 12, 2011

The Morning Of

I am anxious, nervous, excited and a bit overwhelmed. I didn't think when I scheduled this appointment that I would experience this range of emotion.
To be completely transparent, I honestly didn't know if we would get to this point in this pregnancy. The insecurity that you are left when you lose a child is so palpable, so tangible that its much like being 16 dating a boy for the first time and not knowing how he really feels and or if he is dating another girl too. And definitely not brave enough to ask.

I'm sure a lot of this anxiety would be less if I had had an appointment in the last 5 weeks but its been a while since I've heard a heart beat, seen the little person on a black and white screen or even had an ok from the OBGYN.

With all of this aside, I think another fear hit me like a brick wall this week. For those who have heard of Michelle Duggar (the lady with a worn out uterus), she recently miscarried her 20th child. She was 20 weeks along. THIS shook me a bit. I know you can lose a baby at ANY point in a pregnancy. I have had friends who this has happened to and family. Its shocking, heart breaking and in truth a real disappointment for all parties. For me, when I left my 1st trimester behind I took a deep sigh of relief. I'm not out of the woods, but this is where Michelle Duggar comes into play. She LOST hers. I realize other factors could be in place. She is 15 years older than me. She has had 21 different pregnancies, health, stress etc could all be factors. But it still happened. So therefore it could happen to me, right? I sure hope not.

So today is the day we get to find out how Baby #2 is doing. I keep praying that everything is ok. Like I would have an instinct like last time that something was wrong. So far just anxiety is sitting there. If Ed were home he would distract me and have me take deep breaths. Thank goodness for cute Carter. He's definitely an excellent distraction.

Either way, I am grateful for what I have! In the meantime, if you see me and I look like I'm hyperventilating, you'll know why :).


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